Moving Forward

9 September, 2017

Hello, my name is (insert name here)  and I’m (insert age here) years old. I find that I have a lot of free time now that I’m in college. I’ve been struggling to find ways to fill that time and nothing really seems to stick. I’ve tried going for bike rides, running, playing guitar, reading, going to fitness classes, and smoking weed. Weed is the only thing that has stuck and while that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I don’t think that it is going to be helpful for my future.

I’ve tried writing before and I think that because I don’t really like talking about myself I find it hard to put thoughts into words. Anyways I think I’m going to try and write down stuff in my free time. I’m not quite sure what I’m gonna write about but I’m sure I’ll come up with something, or give up, who knows yet.

I really want to lose the fat on my stomach and I’ve been focused on it for years. I think about what the food I’m going to eat is going to do to me after I eat it constantly. Unfortunately, because I have so much free time I usually fill it by eating. So I’ve tried to at least eat healthier if I can’t stop eating so much. Who knows if that will help but it’s worth a shot.

Ever since I broke up with (insert girlfriend here), I’ve been in a weird place. I miss her a lot but thankfully I don’t think about her that much, except in my, wait for it, free time. I reached out to her the other day to see how she was enjoying it in (insert University here), and it went well. I don’t really know what I want from the conversation but I definitely can’t go back to being friends with her yet. I think the worst part of the situation is that I want so badly to move on and find another girlfriend but I rarely speak to people unless they speak to me first, I’ve given up on tinder and don’t even bother responding to the girls that I match with, I’ve turned my friends with benefits into me selling her weed and her selling me alcohol. It’s not that I don’t want to be with her, I just haven’t been in the mood to hook up with anyone. I just want someone to hang out with me and just make me feel something again.

Moving Forward


It isn’t enough to just want something.

It isn’t enough to have that perfect image

Imprinted on the back of your eyelids screaming at you

Saying “This is it! This is how it should be!”.


It isn’t enough to have everyone in your life telling you what to do.

It isn’t enough to hear it from the media or from politicians.

It isn’t enough.

It’s not.


For as long as you tell me what to be

I will always become the opposite.










Charon Take Me, Now!

I think of death and dying quite a lot.

See my naked body and it will reveal a roadmap,

Detailing the path to hell.


See my scars,

Trace them.

As though reading a sign in braille.

Read my pain and open your ears to my suffering.


My skeleton aches and begs inside of my flesh,

Pleading for release from imprisonment.

Pleading to return to its home,

Underneath layers,


Of dirt.

Of moss.

Of leaves.

Of snow.

Of memories long since past.


To be forgotten 6 feet underneath the boy hiding in the woods.

Hiding from reality with a joint between his middle and index fingers.
To be forgotten underneath expectations and shattered dreams of his parents.


I used to be afraid of death,

Hundreds of feet in the air of some ancient stairwell in the Vatican City.

The very act of being afraid requires effort,

The likes of which I can no longer muster.


I am not afraid of death,

For in death there is knowledge.

Knowledge which only the dead can access.

Knowledge will save my soul,

From the dark waves of fear,

Chasing at my heels.

Charon Take Me, Now!


Wake up. Put on clothes. That outfit looks bad. Put on new clothes.
You’re ready to start the day.
Leave your room. Eat breakfast. Put in your headphones.
You’re ready to start the day.

Catch the bus. Avoid eye contact. Turn your music up.
You’re halfway there.
Step off the bus. Go to class. Try not to fall asleep.
You’re halfway there.

Get back on the bus. Eat some lunch. Go back to your room.
No more responsibilities.
Fill your backpack. Go for a walk. Clear your mind.
No more responsibilities.

2/8/2017 // 8:54 am




White flakes of heaven fall from the sky.
Tendrils of my lungs move upwards.
I look to my left and see two squirrels,
Bushy tails and bright eyes swiftly navigating the lush forest.

One chases the other upwards,
Winding their way upwards around the rough bark.

Inhale. Exhale.
Sizzling echoes of my youth reverberate in my ears.
Inhale. Exhale.
Time begins to slow as the vapor reaches into my chest.

I blink as the grey turns to a hue of lavender.
All around me the woods begin to shift.
The squirrels can no longer be seen.
Nobody is around.

Still, everything moves upwards.
Slowly, without a purpose.

2/6/17 // 9:20 am



Towering over them as they pass by,
Proud, erect, powerful.
His slender frame,
Blocking the rays falling down.

Blue fades into yellow into orange into black.

His body fading into the midnight frame.
A slight hum fills the air.
Flickering to life,
So far above the frosted pavement.

His head, pronounced.
Emanating scintillant beams,
Deep into the night sky.

2/2/17 // 9:30 pm