Enough

It isn’t enough to just want something.

It isn’t enough to have that perfect image

Imprinted on the back of your eyelids screaming at you

Saying “This is it! This is how it should be!”.

 

It isn’t enough to have everyone in your life telling you what to do.

It isn’t enough to hear it from the media or from politicians.

It isn’t enough.

It’s not.

 

For as long as you tell me what to be

I will always become the opposite.

 

You.

 

Don’t.

 

Control.

 

Me.

Enough

Charon Take Me, Now!

I think of death and dying quite a lot.

See my naked body and it will reveal a roadmap,

Detailing the path to hell.

 

See my scars,

Trace them.

As though reading a sign in braille.

Read my pain and open your ears to my suffering.

 

My skeleton aches and begs inside of my flesh,

Pleading for release from imprisonment.

Pleading to return to its home,

Underneath layers,

 

Of dirt.

Of moss.

Of leaves.

Of snow.

Of memories long since past.

 

To be forgotten 6 feet underneath the boy hiding in the woods.

Hiding from reality with a joint between his middle and index fingers.
To be forgotten underneath expectations and shattered dreams of his parents.

 

I used to be afraid of death,

Hundreds of feet in the air of some ancient stairwell in the Vatican City.

The very act of being afraid requires effort,

The likes of which I can no longer muster.

 

I am not afraid of death,

For in death there is knowledge.

Knowledge which only the dead can access.

Knowledge will save my soul,

From the dark waves of fear,

Chasing at my heels.

Charon Take Me, Now!

Routine

Wake up. Put on clothes. That outfit looks bad. Put on new clothes.
You’re ready to start the day.
Leave your room. Eat breakfast. Put in your headphones.
You’re ready to start the day.

Catch the bus. Avoid eye contact. Turn your music up.
You’re halfway there.
Step off the bus. Go to class. Try not to fall asleep.
You’re halfway there.

Get back on the bus. Eat some lunch. Go back to your room.
No more responsibilities.
Fill your backpack. Go for a walk. Clear your mind.
No more responsibilities.

2/8/2017 // 8:54 am

 

Routine

Sunday

White flakes of heaven fall from the sky.
Tendrils of my lungs move upwards.
I look to my left and see two squirrels,
Bushy tails and bright eyes swiftly navigating the lush forest.

One chases the other upwards,
Winding their way upwards around the rough bark.

Inhale. Exhale.
Sizzling echoes of my youth reverberate in my ears.
Inhale. Exhale.
Time begins to slow as the vapor reaches into my chest.

I blink as the grey turns to a hue of lavender.
All around me the woods begin to shift.
The squirrels can no longer be seen.
Nobody is around.

Still, everything moves upwards.
Slowly, without a purpose.

2/6/17 // 9:20 am

Sunday

Lamppost

Towering over them as they pass by,
Proud, erect, powerful.
His slender frame,
Blocking the rays falling down.

Blue fades into yellow into orange into black.

His body fading into the midnight frame.
A slight hum fills the air.
Flickering to life,
So far above the frosted pavement.

His head, pronounced.
Emanating scintillant beams,
Deep into the night sky.

2/2/17 // 9:30 pm

Lamppost

Post-Weekend Reflection

In an altered state of consciousness
Is this the only way we feel happy?
Is this the only way we feel a purpose?
We intentionally poison our bodies, our souls.

What are we trying to achieve?
Perhaps it’s to silence the voices in our head
Telling us we aren’t good enough
Strong enough
Skinny enough

But we push through
In an altered state of consciousness
Is this the only way we can feel whole?
Is this the only way we can feel loved?

1/31/2017 // 7:20 pm

Post-Weekend Reflection